I hope he knows

I have to tell myself terrible things.

I had to tell myself
he
never
loved
me
so many times
to scar my heart
and steel myself
and find the energy to get out of bed.
I wanted to tell myself
he
loves
me
he will come back
he will read me a bedtime story
and everything will be love again
but he doesn't
and he won't
and it isn't
and that is terrible
to know and to utter.

But it is the only way.

the terrible thing

If something were to happen to my Friend,

I would grieve so much how he grew to hate me,

and I would wish so helplessly that I could have said goodbye,

and all the love we talked about would be a memory -- 

not of love, but of love that was not; 

love that was faked and then taken back and utterly denied. 

I believed it wholeheartedly, but that didn't make it real. 

And that is the most terrible thing, or maybe that's the saving grace. 

Because I would always remember that it wasn't real, 

so I would always be able to tell myself that I hadn't lost anything at all.

Solitude

I have a house where I go
When there's too many people,
I have a house where I go
Where no one can be;
I have a house where I go,
Where nobody ever says "No";
Where no one says anything - so
There is no one but me.

-- A.A. Milne